Nerves and Nerve

I have been mentally processing my upcoming nerve related surgery, the fifth I've had in my lifetime (2nd in 6 months) and I have been trying really hard to apply my AT training. It is difficult. I am still a novice in the AT game, I have only been a trainee for 18 months and a student of the technique for about 5 years; and at 49 years old, that time frame is a small percentage of my actual habit forming time!

As I became aware of the problem in my left arm my thoughts went kind of like this:

1. This can NOT be happening again
2. It will go away, I'm using myself much better than I was when this happened with the other arm.
3. I can manage this....up and out...
4. This can't be happening
5. I can't play like I could a month ago, why isn't my good use working? 
6. Maybe I should check with the doctor.
7. No, it's good....it will be fine, I just need to use myself better
8. Why isn't my use not 'use-ing' right??
9. Doctor...yeah....
10. Gotta manage myself better...how do I need to do that? Neck free....back....up...
11. Ouch...damn...ouch......
12. "Hello, Doc?"

I think I have been end-gaining. 

I am not a patient person, never have been. Granted, AT training has been super helpful in mellowing my impatience but - habits. For several months I was so busy trying to use myself "correctly" to avoid further complication that I my focus was probably not where it should have been - on simply inhibiting.

As trainees we were warned at the outset that the training process would be difficult physically and mentally, and as our habits were peeled away like an onion we would see and be faced with habits that had long since been 'grown over' by the next layer of change and perceived growth. Well, welcome to the next layer, Jen...welcome to the next layer!

What layers did you discover in your training? 

Were they painful? Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? 

What did you have to come to terms with? 

(I know those questions are all super personal so I do not expect confessions in the comment section). 

Personally, I am dealing with this stuff with the support of a great cohort of trainees and teachers, as well as family, faculty, and my awesome orchestra students. 

AT students  may be dealing with similar things as the layers peel away and they have to face their new, different, and changed limitations. Are we ready and able to manage that as they come to us? Changes can happen super fast or super slow and both speeds pose their own set of problems for the pupil and teacher. As teachers are we taking care of ourselves enough to facilitate the changing needs of our students? 

We are constantly reminded in training that it is about 'me.'
           My use
                My balance
                      My back back
                            My up
                                 My out
                                       My length
                                              Me me me me me....

I've never been comfortable with (what I perceive as) selfishness, hence, many of my bad (uncared for) habits. 

On Monday it is (once again) going to be about me. Invasion into MY body to fix MY nerves so that I can do what I need to do....to help others? Or to help...me.....

My patience level will be tested:

I will have to put training on hold for a few weeks. 

I will have to relinquish control and direction of my orchestras at a pivotal time in the learning of their music for festival and competition. 

I will need to figure out how to not become frustrated at my husband as he selflessly puts forth a valiant effort learning to dry my hair so I don't look like a frizz ball. 

I will, for the second time in 10 years, have to regain my violin skills following surgery and rehab. 

I admit, I am better prepared to inhibit my frustration this go round, I do know what the outcome can (and hopefully will) look like, but I do not know if my new inhibition will be enough to override habit. 

I am coming to appreciate this process - not love it in all cases - but certainly appreciate it.